Create safe space
You can win an argument and still lose.
"Without psychological safety, people conceal their thoughts, withhold their best ideas, and disengage."
— Timothy R. Clark, The 4 Stages of Psychological Safety
Back in October of 2021, I was hosting a week of virtual Halloween-related events on Zoom. One was a virtual pumpkin carving (cute, I know). I asked a good friend to co-host. They said yes—and asked if they could extend the invite to some of their friends. I knew their friends, but, to be honest, I just wanted people I absolutely adored to be in attendance.
I said, “Sorry, no, I’d rather just keep it small.”
“All good,” they said.
A week later, they told me they could no longer co-host.
Another week later, I saw a photo on Instagram of a computer screen filled with people’s faces and their little pumpkins with the caption, “my friend had a cute idea to do a virtual carving!”
Indeed, what a cute idea.
I was fucking LIVID.
I called them and unleashed hell. Told them how much of a betrayal it was to make up a fake excuse—a lie—and then host the same exact event behind my back with other friends?
Devastating.
But then my friend said something:
“I didn’t feel safe to tell you the truth.”
Devastating.
It was in that moment that I realized this wasn’t about pumpkins. It was about how most relationships fail.
The goal of any human interaction is trust. Whether it's a job interview, a date, a negotiation—what we're really looking for is a signal that it's safe for me to be here.
Why do people get ghosted after dates?
Because people don’t feel safe to tell the truth.
But the truth is simple: “Hey, no hard feelings but you’re not what I’m looking for. I was initially attracted to your profile but when we met up in person, the chemistry just wasn’t there. Also, you don’t really look like your photos. I would send you a text telling you this, but I don’t have the emotional courage to sit in the discomfort of rejecting someone. And when I have worked up the courage, people have lost their shit. You might not, but it’s just not worth the risk.”
The truth is simple but you can’t handle it. Or maybe you can, but they don’t think you can. So they lie. Or soften. Or ghost.
And now, you don’t know what’s really going on.
And when you don’t know what’s really going on, your ability to make the best decisions for you and the people you love is compromised.
From there, the high quality people will Homer Simpson GIF into the hedges1 and out of your life because high quality people want to be around other high quality people. And not knowing how to create safe space is a low-quality trait. I know because I’ve lost great people due to me creating much unsafer spaces than virtual pumpkin carving tension.
My friend and I eventually figured out how to create safe space together. We figured out that the problem was how our personalities combined to create a lethal downward spiral: I react with intensity. He avoids confrontation. Both of these tactics get us what we want in the short term. But in the end, these traits unwind the very fabric of safety. I don’t feel like I have the facts, and he doesn’t feel like he can tell me the truth.
Our fix was to create a concept we called “the friendship lab.” The goal was to be brutally honest with each other about everything with the agreement to “not take anything personally.” We created safe space as an experiment. And as I really analyze the phrase “not take it personally,” it unpacks to present three main pillars:
Your tone is the message “It’s not what you’re saying but how you’re saying it.” —everyone I’ve ever dated, literally. Before a single sentence ever leaves your mouth, your posture, volume, pacing, facial expression, eye contact, and presence (or lack thereof) are already speaking for you. When you walk into a room, do you bring calm or a tornado of category 5 tension, intensity, and other unsafe bullshit? If that’s what’s coming out, trust me—nothing’s getting in.
Curiosity is as underrated as judgment is overused. Are you genuinely interested in other people or are they just a means to getting what you want? What if the goal wasn’t persuasion? What if the goal was to genuinely understand this other human? People are great at figuring out when questions are asked merely as a way to build a closing argument.
Validation doesn’t equal agreement. To look someone in the eyes and say, “that makes sense,” or “yeah, that’s super frustrating” is a means of connection that sets the stage for deeper discussions to play out. And it doesn’t mean you’re conceding or giving up your own experience. Validate the other person into the ground like your relationship depends on it—because it does. Only after you hear, “Thank you, yes, you get it, that’s exactly right” have you earned your turn.
When people stop filtering themselves out of fear, the full truth hits the table—and that’s where the best ideas can take root.
And the best people won’t just sit around waiting as you figure this out, either. They’ll just date or work or be friends with people that already get it.
And slowly over time, you’ll just think “people suck.”
And you’ll spend your life losing the very people who were most worth keeping.
Generational translation for those who aren't millennials—BOOMERS: “I’m just going to powder my nose” (then never return); GEN X: Irish exit; GEN Z: mute the group chat; GEN ALPHA: freeze mid-convo and glitch out of spacetime entirely.
Needed this today thank you 💜🙏