Why aren't you doing what you want to do?

Conjuring confrontation as ritual.

Think of something you wish you did, but don’t.

Maybe it’s going to the gym.

Maybe it’s reading books.

Maybe it’s seeing friends more frequently.

In that desire lies a contradiction—I wish I saw friends more frequently, yet I don’t.

In the whole of your life, what’s the longest amount of time you’ve sat in a contradiction—in that discomforting dissonance of not doing thing you claim to want to do? A minute or two? “I wish I saw friends more frequently oh well what’s next on my to-do list?”

A few seconds?

That’s kind of ridiculous, if you think about it.

I wonder what would happen if you sat in that contradiction for 10 minutes without distraction.

Or an hour.

Or a weekend.

Our minds don’t like contradictions despite the world overflowing with them. We crave thematic simplicity. We crave categories. And we come up with cheap rationalizations in nanoseconds to avoid the much more disquieting work of sitting in discomfort:

I don’t have time.

I don’t have energy.

Sorry, but those are actually lies. Do you want to know what the truth is?

Me too. And I’m pretty sure it’s hiding in the silence.

Which means you and I are going to have to tell everyone that we’re busy tonight, put our phones away, light a candle, and say out loud to an empty room: “I’m setting a timer for an hour and I’m going to sit here and think about this single thing. And—I deserve to. I deserve to prioritize giving myself the time and space to allow the truth to reveal itself.”

Maybe that’s all a magic spell is—the courage to face a contradiction head on and say “I want this thing, so let’s uncover how I am standing in my own way.”

And maybe you’ll find that you don’t actually want the thing you think you do. Which would be clarifying and beautiful, too.

The point is that we don’t even give ourselves the space or time for truth to surface and then wonder why we’re uncertain and anxious.

It’s kinda obvious and hilarious and ridiculous and disappointing.

So why aren’t you doing what you want to do? I don’t know and neither do you.

So go find out.

If you do, let me know what you find.