It's time to rebalance your social portfolio
The people in your life that nourish you deserve more of your time than the people in your life that drain you. Seems obvious, but too many of us have unbalanced social portfolios.
I went to film school. I’ve read about and studied writing. And I'm a Hollywood film editor, baby. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty knowledgable about how stories work.
But sometimes I'll walk out of a movie and say "well that didn't work for me—and I have no idea why."
And I don't need to know why.
Sometimes we just... feel that things aren't for us. And this isn't limited to movies,1 songs,2 or fruit.3
It includes people.
People work for us or they don't work for us. And sometimes they work for us and then a few years later, they no longer work for us. And we don't actually need to do the math on this. We can just lean into our feelings and go, "I like Mike he's a great guy." Or "Sarah’s kind of an ass no thanks."
And we don’t need to know why.
Instead of spiraling through all the reasons why Sarah is the way she is and is it really her or is it us or was it the weather or whatever, we just need to pay more attention to Mike.
We need to invest more in the people that respect and nourish us.
And when I say "invest," I mean it literally. People are like stocks, but instead of money, we're investing time and energy. “Good people investments” yield returns that make us feel better:
energized
nourished
replenished
heard
seen
understood
supported
encouraged
motivated
inspired
challenged
and goddamn funny
The best people in this world are the people that make us feel the best. And in the comfort of the lab4, we intellectually know this. But in the field, all too often “reasons” get in the way and we end up investing an unreasonable amount of time into people that make us feel worse:
insecure
exhausted
anxious
frustrated
bulldozed
guilty
trapped
codependent
lonely
disrespected
controlled
and caught up in their bullshit that has nothing to do with us
Whenever you’re walking back to your car after a dinner and you’re thinking, "I was on fire tonight," or "I felt sexy tonight" or "I ordered way too much food tonight but still somehow ate all of it and no one said anything," pay attention to who was there. It wasn't just you being funny or looking hot or eating three orders of hamachi crudo all by yourself—it was the chemistry of everyone that came together to create that moment.
And when you’re too frequently leaving dinner feeling like the conversation was stilted and awkward, that everyone radiated ugliness or drama, or that all you could think about is how Sarah was choking back close to 90% of the “share plates,” you’re not being nourished.
You’re being drained.
And it’s time to rebalance your social portfolio.
How much of ourselves we give to others is directly correlated to our mental and emotional health. But too many of us have unbalanced social portfolios. Take a look at the oversimplified example portfolios below:
Sometimes we encounter turning points or “big events” in our lives that force us to confront a rebalance—an unexpected funeral throws an entire family into a spiral of “who are we to each other without grandpa to keep the peace.”
Other times we’re just going about our lives and we stumble across a blog post that throws us into an existential realization that our portfolio is wildly out of balance.
You’re welcome.
I am a big proponent that respect is a key component of relationships. You’re my friend? We should respect each other. You’re my mom? Again, mutual respect. My boss? My barista? Same same you get it, same. And while this seems obvious, so many people tolerate a lack of respect because, again, “reasons”:
“It’s family.”
“We’ve been through so much together.”
“No one else knows me like they do.”
“It’s just the way they are, they won’t change.”
“Maybe they will change if I stick around.”
“Everyone quits on them—I am someone who doesn’t give up.”
“They need me.”
“I would feel bad if I cut them off.”
No thanks.
None for me thanks.
Life is shorter than we realize. We don’t have enough time to spend with the people we want to spend it with, so why would we spend time with the people we don’t want to spend it with?
If you’re in my life and the majority of our interactions are making me feel worse, I’m going to rebalance my portfolio and limit my exposure. And truthfully, if someone is always making us feel worse, we’re probably making them feel worse, too—even if they don’t realize it.
I had a friend once who I had to break up with. It sucked. But something unexpected happened over the next six months—they ended up having more time to spend with other people outside of me and my friend group. And they thrived.
Sometimes reducing exposure to someone can be the best thing in the world for you.
And them.
Write down a list of people in your life—not the people that you see the most, but the people who you feel the most respected by. The most nourished by. The most energized and seen by.
And start spending more time with them.
At some point I plan on writing about this in more detail, but for now: “the lab” is sitting back in the comfort of your home and reading about life—this is what you’re doing now. AKA introspection when the stakes are low—fairly easy. “The field” is when you’re living your life and need to put into practice what you’ve learned. AKA doing “the right thing” when the stakes are higher—much harder.
Are there legitimate exceptions to allowing toxic people into your life?
Agree 100%. And also it's important to keep in mind that people are allowed to change over time. Relationships that you have embraced years ago can rapidly change a decade later. You don't have to stay "committed" or "stuck" to a friendship or relationship. Values and personal experiences can change things and that's okay!