I stopped trying to get something from networking (and finally got what I needed)

On how a small reframe on networking events made them go from uncertain to exciting.

Despite being “extroverted” and despite “enjoying people,” I always find myself with this weird, low-level mixture of uncertainty and awkwardness at networking events.

You know what I’m talking about—walking into a bar, scanning the room, realizing you know no one, asking the bartender for a drink, standing there awkwardly in hopes that by the time your drink arrives you’ll have recognized someone/anyone/please, the bartender handing you four ounces of liquid saying, “that’ll be $22,” realizing you’ve still recognized no one, anxiety building, telling yourself everything’s fine, and all of that with an underlying sense that you’ll walk away tonight having gotten nothing out of this.

That’s how it usually goes. But the other night was different. I was at a cool, hip bar, scanning the crowd and recognizing no one when my friend Kristen walked in. Catching up, she told me she was doing the thing she wanted to do (post coordinate), but at a company she didn’t love.

“So what you need is to meet a bunch of post supervisors from other companies and get one of them to hire you,” I said.

“That’s exactly right.”

And in that moment, I spotted another friend, Jackie, an executive assistant at Lionsgate.

“Come with me right now,” I said to Kristen.

Kristen knew I was about to introduce her to someone who could help her, and Jackie had no idea what was coming when I said, “Jackie!” I gave her a hug and launched into it immediately: “I’d love to introduce you to Kristen who really needs to get out of this post coordinator job she’s stuck in—she loves the job but doesn’t love the company… could you intro her to some post supers?”

Jackie excitedly gave Kristen her number and said, “let’s grab coffee!” Kristen excitedly said, “that sounds great!” And, in real time, I could feel my body relaxing into the sense of job well done. The uncertainty of “what is this all for?” dissipated. The awkwardness was replaced with an exciting thought: how many more people here could I connect tonight?

I changed the networking game. Usually it goes: find someone here who can help me. Instead, I started playing find someone here who can help someone else.

And I also have a suspicion that if you play the main quest of figuring out who needs to meet who, you’ll likely complete the side quest of figuring out who needs to meet you.

Just with a lot less pressure.

And, I predict, a lot more fun.